The Perfect Burger, A Man’s Burger

Posted on March 9, 2010


The burger has long been the specialty of all real men for decades. A real man, knows how to cook a real burger, a perfect burger. Today I’m going to share the secret to a perfect burger with the world. Not only because I’ve had terrible burgers at the last two cookouts I’ve been too, but because a friend is in desperate need for the know-how on fixing a perfect burger. So listen up world, because I need better burgers, and the world needs more real men.

The first rule to making the perfect burger, is to realize that a great burger doesn’t need help. It needs salt, pepper, and the right kind of ground beef; a little herb butter if you absolutely must use some kind of seasoning. One of the reasons a perfect burger is the man’s specialty, is because it is simple, like men. Keep it simple men.

Ingredients (Serves Four)

1 1/2 Pounds of Ground Chuck, with a fat content of about 20-25 percent. You don’t count calories when eating burgers, fat is flavor.

Coarse Salt and Black Pepper – When I say, “Throw some salt and pepper on ’em.”, I mean just a pinch of each, a pinch.

4 slices of Muenster Cheese (Just my personal preference of cheese.)

4 Hamburger Buns – Skip the fancy stuff and get some cheap buns, they’re the best kind.

Whatever other condiments you like on your burgers. (Optional, of course.)


Step 1: Forming the Patty

The most important step in making the perfect burger, is forming the patty. Wet your hands with cold water to help keep the meat from sticking to your hands, and divide the beef into four portions. While dividing throw some salt and pepper on ’em. Now, gently pat each one into a thick patty, about an inch thick. Throw a little more salt and pepper on ’em. The beef should be loose, not packed together, but patted together; hence the term patty. Now, take your thumb and gently create a depression in the center of each patty. Why do this? Because burgers bulge in the middle whilst cooking, making this indentation keeps your burger beautiful. Throw a little more salt and pepper on ’em. Now throw these in the fridge, and go light your grill or stove. Set burners to maximum awesome. (Turn them all on ‘High’.)

Step 2: Cooking the Patty

Once everything is good and hot, place your perfect patties on the grill/skillet. Dash them one last time with some salt and pepper, and leave them alone! Seriously, handle the burger as little as possible. A few pats to form it, maybe, but that’s it. The more you fiddle with it, the more fat the flames get, and they don’t need that fat, you do. Let them sit and sizzle for about four minutes, then you can touch them. Flip them, throw on a slice of cheese, and let them sit and sizzle for another three minutes. They should be done by now, but if you you want to be sure, stab an instant-read meat thermometer into the center. If it’s above 160 degrees fahrenheit, it’s good to go.

Optional Step 3: Beautiful Buns for Your Beautiful Burgers

If you’re cooking on the grill, then just throw your buns on the grill and toast ’em. If you’re using a skillet, you’ll want to drain the fat out first, then throw in your buns facedown until they’re nice and crispy. Shouldn’t take more than a minute.

Enjoy. And remember, keep it simple.

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Posted in: Culture, Zen